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I must have been too nice, too trusting, too friendly and open. I was 22 with no track record, and at that time - nearly two decades ago - most people in baseball would have rallied to protect the athlete. I knew that if I told anyone what happened that it would ruin my career. I remember, once I got back to my apartment, drinking a bottle of red wine in a desperate attempt to numb my sadness and rage. Afterward, I remember getting in my car, shaking, to drive home and looking at my blue-and-white skirt from Express and thinking, “Why did I have to be wearing a skirt?” Because it was Texas in summer. While it was happening, I couldn’t process that it was happening to me. He pushed further, getting on top of me, pulling off my skirt and having sex with me against my will. I said no, stop, no, stop, over and over. I said, no, no, I don’t want that, but he pushed me over to the bed. We spoke for a few minutes as I asked some questions and he answered.
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I sat down in a hotel room with my interview subject. Looking back, I now wonder how I managed to finish it. It was nearly two decades ago, but I remember how much work went into it, the prominent play it received and how proud of it I was. I spent the 2002 baseball season working on a significant story about foreign-born players and how they navigate life in the United States. I was one year out of Notre Dame, working for The Fort Worth Star-Telegram, mostly covering high school sports but always looking for opportunities to do more. So here’s my story, the one I kept silent for so many years: And I also hope more people working in these spaces will bring change, whether in big ways, as an executive empowered to hire more inclusively, or in small ways, speaking up when someone jokes that a woman slept her way to a job or a story. I hope that by sharing my experiences, more women will feel comfortable speaking up when something is inappropriate. I hope I can help bring about systemic change rather than seek unlikely-to-come justice for one horrible act.
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I choose not to name him because it would only open me up to the possibility of having dirt thrown on my reputation even all these years later and in the wake of the #MeToo movement, a former professional athlete wields considerable power. I had experienced the worst kind of assault, yet a quieter, still uncomfortable strain of harassment persists for female journalists working in sports locker rooms and women who work in other rooms dominated by men. And with it came the relief that I actually hadn’t invited it, hadn’t done anything wrong at all, something I had never once considered.
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I hadn’t been a sports reporter in 11 years, but as I read accounts of other women’s experiences with sexual harassment, the full force of my own assault hit me.